21.11.2021

23.10.2021

Another sleepless night worrying away at old inadequacies of body and mind. Are these helpful thoughts? I entertain the fantasy of a final fight for Pyrrhic defeat as a forlorn signal to my peers that I have nothing worthwhile saving. I feel more comfortable thinking like this, it feels honest, the psychoanalysis light of CBT doesn't quite get there. I'm not looking for some medical tick-box, something I can show off as I get into the flow at work, some path to safety. Where is the safety in whiling away my hours in a company container? Machines are fabricated there as I specify a handful of the relevant parameters but these machines are mere tools for use in a convoluted and opaque society mediated by firms big enough to write legislation for governments. I can't flourish without an envelope to expand into and I don't think I'm about to be afforded one anytime soon. The phallic individualism of this society goads those unwilling to force their way into the world, open up there own space, ignoring the fact no force is in fact necessary if only we were afforded the luxury of sharing abundant resources.

Dawn is coming and I can look forward to running into the gym, reproducing my labour in the hopes that it will be my own to direct, I'll have a nice breakfast and make sure I'm functioning long enough to hit my self imposed KPIs. 500 words written, 100 pages read, 10 kilometers run, 100 push ups, 100 squats, and 10 minutes of planking. May fate give me an inch to build up some steam and help drag the world into some kind of egality of means as a reward for this all-too-aware decent into daily life.

13.10.2021

There are things that a person doesn't need to deserve. No one needs to deserve a home, an opportunity to hide themselves from the elements, or nourish their body. No one needs to deserve to be free from violence. These things let us be us. Romantically Christ fought for this to be generally acknowledged amongst his people well before the current epoch of prosperity, Even now after several hasty declarations of inalienable human rights these things are still by some cruel fate withheld by very similar forces. Money lenders, property owners, employers, they all hold something over us more valuable to them than our intact selves. Strange that something torn from us could be more than us in this way. We are often left wondering, balanced on our weary frames, what would it be like to be free? What would we make of the world if we could walk its streets and eat from whatever grove we came across? How would the world form itself now we have built from ourselves such fantastic machines to leverage our labour, we have a fulcrum now that gives a place to move not just Earth but the heavens above. This fiction is not something we can write, its too incredible and strange to place on the page and be apprehended by someone who stands among the living.

We turn then to the demolished, to the depraved, to the barren worlds of airless moons and depopulated cities to imagine ourselves intact. Zombies give us hope for some fundamental humanity to triumph over our current predicament and deliver us into a place we can do the work required to live and then do what we will, no greater organization fetters us and we stalk deer by gurgling brooks and find wonders in the ruins of the old world. New planets give us the same escape, perhaps some minor group can blossom into a society separate and strong enough to resist the old ways of earth. Or maybe, just perhaps, the old country folk of America and England have held onto the essence of another way to be all this time, permaculture, Wicca, old songs on the banjo contain the nuggets of an honest living we can build up into a way we want to live.

No. Look back into the harsh white noise of the present, this is the real deal, there is no escaping the landlord, the council rates, the cabal of grocers and giggling banks. There is more here than in some far off land and the universe doesn't care if you can't understand. No allegory will wrest you from tomorrow, no commune will shift your horizon, no word will keep the politicians from war. This multifarious dump of capital and wealth-bourne-wealth is the only clay there is to build with no matter how hard it is to handle.